A friend once posted in his Facebook status that saying goodbye is not the painful part in ending a relationship but instead when good memories started to come in. It is very easy to pretend to everyone that you are okay, but when the night comes, and you are all alone in your room, that’s the time when you feel the pain. And you start wondering and asking yourself what went wrong? How can a love, so true and so pure, come to an end? And dying becomes an option.
I am a writer. I wrote several stories, poems, essays, academic discussions, news articles, and feature stories. I wrote about other people, about nature, about love, about emotions. I trained students how to become good writers. But writing about myself is the most difficult to do. It is not easy to explain one’s self, knowing how people think about problems like this. But I am not here to justify my thoughts. I am here to express my emotions so I can let go of all the pain I am feeling right now.
All my life, I’ve been searching for love. I was deprived. Maybe I was punished for sins I do not know when the heavens called my mom and my sister more than a decade ago. With due respect to dad, they loved me more than anybody else. Maybe I was longing for love and attention in my thirteen years of living a solitary life. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I have no one to talk with when I’m down, I have no one to share my stories at the end of a tiring day. Friends, I have a lot, but they have their own lives, too. And at the end of the day, I am still alone.
Should I blame myself for loving too much when all I want is to be loved back? In my situation, it is not easy to find someone who will love me for who I am and what I don’t have. How I wish I am normal just like anybody else. How I wish it would be easy for me to love and be loved. But I am not, and I know I am a good person. I always follow His words, hoping that He will see how good I am and reward me with the only thing I am asking for – love.
When somebody close to you passes away, it easier to accept and move on. You know it is God’s will and you cannot do anything to bring his or her life back. But when lovers part ways, it brings more pain and agony, because you know that there is a way. You know that it still can be resolved and you know that it was just a choice of the other party and not a destiny. And it hurts that he chose to forget all the things you’ve done for love so easily and all your dreams and plans will not materialize anymore.
I know there’s nothing I can do now. I did my part, and I did everything to keep the relationship alive. I am tired. I am devastated. And I am trying to pick up and put together the pieces of my shattered heart. I know it will take time for me to be whole again.
